Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized 'Taser'. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety .. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her new microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries. Right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently,
(trusting little soul,) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a 'flesh &
blood' moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie,
(just for a fraction of a second,) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised! Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible
way could it do that". What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, #*^@$*!&$#@!@ *!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, my testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst
would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-. That hurt like hell!!! A
minute or so later, (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point,) when I collected my wits, what little I had left, I
sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Rod Martin
seems to have added my name to his post. Good job Vince, now everyone thinks I am funnier than I am. I can live with that. LOL!!!
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