An announcer sits in a booth elevated above the San Joaquin just outside Ladds. A blimp camera zooms in on a bass boat screaming down the channel a few miles out, separately trying to win the bonus ounces on the race back....here's the announcers excited commentary:
Jeff Gordon, "Hey Stirling, look at monitor 3...there's Kent Brown in the Tidy Bowl Ranger jumping cruiser wakes about four miles out. Think he can pass the leader?"
Sterling Marlin, "Heck yeah, he's drafting right on the tail of that Dobyns' Ex-Lax 520! Course, we'll have to see who makes it outta the last piss stop with the best time. Kent's got wunna them new velcro zippers...should cut at least 2 seconds from his stop! He won the piss top contest yesterday by 2.71 seconds. Course, ya never know what can go wrong in a piss stop!"
Jeff, "Hold you horses folks! We have a caution in oxbow 6! This is really gonna shake up the field! Some County Sheriff is giving a ticket to a drunk driver in a ski boat! All our competitors must come off pad while passing the cop! Looks like a good time for a piss stop! Whadda ya think Sterling?"
Sterling, "These guys are really busy now talking with their crew chiefs! Some will gamble without a stop, some won't! Let's listen in on Brown's radio as he talks with his crewchief, Vinny Harris..."
sssshhh...pop...crackle..."Dobyns got a two second lead on you. If he stops, then you got the velcro crotch advantage. You can make up at least two seconds. But, if he don't whip it out, then you gotta take yer chances on beatin him in the cruiser wakes up ahead. You need those bonus ounces against him!"
pop...snapple..."Vinny, I don't know if I can make it all the way back without that stop. I reeeally gotta go!"
zzzzztt...pop...pop..."Its your call Kent. But, keep an eye on the pack. They closed up on you and Dobyns in this caution zone. Watch out for Cooch in the RedBull Stratos, its quick! And make sure you keep Sapp's Viagra Ranger on the outside in curves three and one...he heard bout them bonus ounces so he hung a new ProMax on that old boat! It screams now!"
Jeff, "You called it Sterling! The Ex-Lax 520 just turned to the bank! And Brown's right behind him. In fact, all the lead boats are making their final piss stop before that last run under the green!"
Sterling, "Trouble on the Red Bull boat! (camera zooms in) Cooch got it caught in his zipper! This could ruin his chances for the bonus ounces!"
Jeff, "Wow! Did you see that Sterling! When the race is on the line, the top dawgs find a way to win! Cooch just closed his eyes and ripped that zipper all the way up! He's right back out there in third place with a great piss stop time of only 11.9 seconds! Incredible, he even beat Brown's time of 12.1!"
Sterling, "Jeff, look up front...we got a new leader! Dee Thomas stayed out on the river and he's moved from 10th to 1st! What a gamble!"
Jeff, "Not really, if you think about it. He's running that DePends Ranger and he can afford to miss a stop!"
Sterling, "We'll see if the ol veteran's gamble pays off! Here they go...Thomas opens up a quick lead on the Ex-Lax boat followed closely by Brown's Tidy Bowl special. Cooch's Red Bull Stratos seems to be falling off the pace. Looks like his piss stop problems are coming back to haunt him. But, look at Sapp's Viagra boat fly! Man, I've never seen Sapp run this hard! He's closed four positions since he came out of Venice!"
Jeff, "Yep, he sure does have a strong boat but he's not used to running this fast so can he handle it long enough to get by the leaders?"
Stirling, "Dobyns is closing on Dee! There's only two turns to go! Brown's cutting to the outside of both the lead boats wake but he's on the wrong side of the river...this could cost him! Looks like he's setting up for a pass but then he's got poor position for the last mile."
Jeff, "CRUISERS! The three lead boats are coming up fast on traffic! They're setting up a line through the cruiser wakes but they've all come off the throttle and lost the clean water advantage they had."
Stirling, "Folks, if you don't like this, you don't like bass fishing!"
Jeff, "Stirling! Look at that Viagra Ranger run! Sapp's jumping those cruiser wakes at full throttle! And, right behind him is that Red Bull Stratos! This is gonna be anybody's race!"
Stirling, "Here they come into the last turn! The Tidy Bowl Ranger is in front by a rooster tail! The other four boats are four wide coming around the bend! Can they catch Brown's quick 518?"
Jeff, "The Red Bull Stratos and the Viagra Ranger are closing fast! Oh no! Brown made a mistake, he went around the big sail boat on the outside. He lost precious seconds with that turn and Sapp and Cuccia closed up on him! Folks, its a dead heat coming up to the flag!"
Stirling, "Look at Sapp pull away! He musta saved something for this finish! That's it! Sapp wins by a trolling motor over Cuccia. Brown made a great run at it but just fell short. Dobyns edged out Thomas by a beer belly for fourth!"
Jeff, "That was some bass tournament finish! Haven't seen one this exciting since the Micster days!"
Sterling, "I'm still surprised at Sapp's speed coming down the stretch. I never saw that Viagra Ranger run that hard before!"
The weighin follows with the following results:
1st Steve Sapp (of course)
2nd Andy "Cooch" Cuccia (of course)
3rd Kent Brown (coulda won if it weren't for a long piss stop)
4th Gary Dobyns (his worst finish of the decade)
5th Dee Thomas (aren't people his age supposed to retire? HAR!)
6th Bill Durbin (moved up 23 places by jumping an entire levee!)
7th Angel Valdez (would have come in first but made a wrong turn coming back - couldn't see over his console! HAR!)
8th Greg Gutierrez (couldn't see as far as Angel! HAR!)
9th sTony (gave up internet forums to concentrate on bass fishing! Good decision!)
10th Larry Viviano (quote on the following Wednesday "Wait, I shoulda won! Check the weigh slips!" HAR!)