To political for the jokes page

[Greg_Cornish]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be
lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however,no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty



============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now
on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies
to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will
be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty




============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ...You didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.




============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest
to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion
in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



============================================================================


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees


DATE: October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fu@*&ng weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*#ch from HE*#!!!!!!!!


============================================================================


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Dom]

That was funny Greg my wife and daughter were rolling!
Good One! and so true

[getalife]

Good one greg.