Chili Tastin'.....

[Ken C.]

These notes are from a inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast.

Frank: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (NATIVE TEXANS) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer during tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from that event.

Chilli # 1 ( Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli )
Judge # 1-----A Little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 ---- Nice smooth tomato flavours. Very mild.
Judge # 3-----( Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff ? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put out the flames - hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 ------ (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli )
Judge #1------Smokey with a hint of pork slight jalapeno tang
Judge # 2------ Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3----- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3------ ( Fred's famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli )
Judge #1------ Excellent firehouse chilli, great kick - needs more beans.
Judge # 2------ A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3-----Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. A large Texan barmaid pounded on my back, now my backbone
is on my chest and I think I'm getting drunk with all the beer.

Chilli # 4 ------ ( Bubba's Black magic )
Judge # 1------ Black Bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2------ Hint of lime in the black bean. Good side dish for
Fish or other mild foods, not much chilli.
Judge # 3------ I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds ? Sally the barmaid
was standing behind me with fresh refill. That bench-pressing
musclewoman is starting to look HOT!!.......just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 ( Linda's legal Lip remover )
Judge # 1 ------- Meaty strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick - impressive.
Judge # 2------- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3--------- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and can no longer focus my eyes - I farted and four people behind me
fainted. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me a brain hemorage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding and
burning my lips off. The other Judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

Chilli # 6-------- ( Vera's Very Vegetation variety)
Judge #1-------Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2------- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3------- I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore. No one seems too inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. Can't feel my lips any more. Need to wipe my a$$ with a snow
cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1------- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2------ Ho hum taste as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried aout judge 3. He
appears to be in a bit of stress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3-----You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it is to painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it through the
4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8---- ( Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli )
Judge # 1------ The perfect ending this is a nice blend chilli. Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge # 2------ This final entry is a good balanced chilli. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he is going
to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd react to really hot chilli!

[fishercurtis]

Dude, I am a chef and that had me rolling on the floor laughing.
Curtis

[Cooch]

No wonder we could never find any chili tastin' Judges fer the Pro-Teen Chili Cook offs, every one we invited musted been related ta this poor soul! HAR! HAR! HAR!